Believe
by UniquelyMi
Summary: Mum was sunshine and laughter and vivid, lively colors. She was passion, tempered by academics, bending over books late at night with only her modified Lumos for company. She was patience, listening to all of Luna's ideas and questions, taking them seriously as if Luna was another experimenter. A little sketch of Luna's childhood.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Harry Potter books (except as print copies) and am not a psychologist, so if Luna's reactions are completely...wrong / could be better, I'd like to know.

_For YueandLuna_

**Believe**

When Luna was five, mum told her about the Nargles.

"Be careful of them, Luna," mum whispered as she brushed Luna's silvery blonde hair with smooth strokes. "Be careful of them. Many a great witch and wizard was turned by them."

Luna looked up at mummy with large, trusting eyes. "Nawgles, mummy?"

"Nargles," mum agreed. Her own eyes turned dreamy as she looked over and through Luna, and Luna squirmed as she tried to look behind herself to see what mummy was looking at. Mummy smiled, refocusing on Luna. "Not there, dear. Not everyone can see them." She tapped Luna on the nose, and Luna giggled. "You have to look somewhere special to find them."

"Where?"

"Somewhere beyond life and before death, behind the curtain at the end of the rainbow, where the mist touches the sun," mum said, and Luna imagined that her mummy's voice came from that somewhere, mystical and half-real and sunshine with flowers woven through it.

"Beyond life and befowe death, behind the cuwtain at the end of the wainbow?"

"Where the mist touches the sun," mum finished, taking one last, long stroke down Luna's hair and setting down her brush. "It's a wonderous place, full of phenomena and creatures you could never imagine." She stood, smiling, and took Luna's hand. "Come now, Luna. It's time for bed."

As mum tucked her into bed and pressed a kiss to her forehead, Luna asked sleepily, "How do I know if someone has Nawgles?"

Mum sat on the bed beside Luna and twined Luna's hand with hers. "It's hard to know at first," she began. "Almost everyone has Nargles, but some of them have it bad. Their gaze will be hazy, their mind fuzzy. Their vision will be clouded and grounded. If you look enough, you'll be able to see it."

"Do I have Nawgles?" Luna asked.

Mum looked at her and through her and behind her. "Yes," she said finally, meeting Luna's clear eyes. "But not many. Nor does your father." She smiled fondly. "He's one of the most clear-sighted men I know."

"I wuv you, mummy," Luna said, her eyelid drooping over. She curled her hand around her mum's tighter.

"Like the moon loves the stars."

* * *

Mummy, Luna thought, was everything she wanted to be when she grew up. She loved her daddy too, of course, but in a different way. She loved to giggle at his ideas and he was brilliant, just like mum, with all his wild thoughts and his amazing _Quibbler_, but she wanted to take care of him when she grew up. He would never be able to do it himself. But Luna always knew that she could rely on her mummy to keep the house neat and kiss her before bed and cut her hair when it was growing too long.

Mum was sunshine and laughter and vivid, lively colors. She was passion, tempered by academics, bending over books late at night with only her modified Lumos for company. She was patience, listening to all of Luna's ideas and questions, taking them seriously as if Luna was another experimenter.

"Never dismiss an idea," mum told her. "Never stop finding answers." She sat down and Luna did the same, copying mum as she took a bunch of grass in her hands. "Most people think of weeds as a nuisance. They grow and grow and no matter how much you try to kill them they keep growing. You can burn a patch of grass, but the next year, it'll grow back. And there's something about them that makes them so resilient." She slapped the ground, her usually far-off eyes focusing suddenly. "I just wish I could figure out how to use it."

"Maybe the Nargles are distracting you," Luna suggested, and mum laughed.

"Maybe."

Part of Luna wondered if mummy and daddy were making up everything. If they were making up the nargles and the thestrals and the crumpled horned snorkack and the dementors and the blibbering humdinger. After all, she knew that they wrote about it in the Quibbler and what people said about her parents. ("Crazy, the pair of them." "A match made in insanity, then." "I pity their poor daughter.") She loved her parents, but she would never trust anyone on their word, as they had taught her. But whenever she asked mum, she just laughed and told Luna that one day, she would be able to see them too.

* * *

When Luna was nine, mum died.

By then, Luna was old enough to watch mum experiment and she did, learning to store her questions to ask until the end. That day was no exception. That day, mum was trying the effect of a rune combination on a potion she had already brewed. If it succeeded, that potion could be used to revive a patient from a coma; any coma. When Luna had, unable to resist the question, asked how, mum had said distractedly that it would reconnect the brain and the soul.

Luna was already forming questions, burning in her brain to be tossed around by her ever-active neurons. What were souls made of? What were brains made of? Where were souls kept? How could they stop being connected? Where was the connection? What was the brain made of? Why couldn't everyone see the same things? How did these runes work? How did potions work? Why were different ingredients different? She had already asked the last one, but it didn't stop her from wanting to ask again, because this time she had a half-formed theory.

Mum said something in another language ("What language?" Luna wondered) as she tapped each rune with her wand. Runes, Luna knew, could be used for spells because they were just like words except written, which gave them a different sort of power. She leaned closer, wondering what they said, but these were far too complicated. Light shone from each one as mum tapped it, and the potion _changed_, gaining some indefinable quality. Mists seemed to cloud it and then bubbled, a feeling of power building up.

And then something went wrong. Mum's eyes widened and she tried to say something but it was too late. The mists receded and the liquid boiled up and Mum shouted, moving in front of Luna. There was a flash of light as the liquid sprayed up and out, hitting mum, who fell to the ground with a scream.

Luna's last conscious thought was that she hadn't gotten to ask her questions yet.

* * *

Mrs. Weasley was a nice woman. She was plump and motherly and down to Earth and would never conduct a dangerous experiment with her daughter watching, but Luna liked her all the same and liked her cooking almost as much. She knew her children liked her too, even the twins, who pretended that they didn't because they were Hogwarts students now and they thought they were too old.

When Luna woke up, she had found herself in the Burrow, a tray of breakfast next to her. It had taken her a moment to remember what had happened the day before, and she didn't even bother asking Mrs. Weasley about her mum.

As it turned out, she needn't bother. Though Mrs. Weasley spent the first hour of her stay bustling around, making her comfortable, and trying to keep the twins from pranking her, when she judged Luna reasonably prepared, she told her.

"Luna, dear -" the woman began.

Luna looked at her.

"I'm sorry - I don't know how to say this - but your mum passed away."

Luna surprised herself by not welling into tears. (She never burst, as her mum said - used to say.) "That's alright," she said simply. "She's in the place before life and beyond death, behind the veil at the end of the rainbow, where the mist meets the sun."

Mrs. Weasley did not understand what Luna was saying, but she just patted her hand and left her in peace.

But in the days that passed, Luna discovered that it was not alright. She had no mummy. No mummy to cut her hair, no mummy to sing songs to her before bed, no mummy to tell her about nargles and penelines, no mummy to see in the place before life and beyond death.

No mummy to answer her questions.

They burned in her mind, drumming through her bones, racing in her blood. What was the brain made of? What was the soul made of? Where was the soul? What did the runes say? What were the ingredients made of?

Mummy was in the place before life and beyond death, and Luna had nobody to tell her.

She tried asking Mrs. Weasley, but Mrs. Weasley didn't know; didn't approve of mothers that went and experimented with dangerous substances in her own home. She tried asking the kids, but only Ginny and Ron were there, and they didn't know. She tried asking the people that came to help bury her mummy, and they just exchanged looks that she knew meant she was crazy and her parents were crazy. She even tried asking daddy, though he looked like a crumple-horned snorkack that had its horn taken away, and he didn't know either.

So Luna knew she would have to settle with not knowing.

Except she _couldn't_. Her mummy couldn't either, and it was a part of her like everything else.

Luna's mind felt like it had been taken apart and put in a bowl for Wrackspurts to play with before being put back into her brain. She didn't cry often and only at night so daddy couldn't see her, because he already had too much to worry about himself. It was always there, the empty spot where her mummy used to be, no matter how desperately her brain tried to fill it.

And try it did. It babbled away, all day while she did her chores and braided her hair and stopped daddy from spilling his tea mechanically, starting with trying to answer the questions that were still thudding away against her skull, but now just asking anything, analyzing anything. It began to show her things that weren't _there_ but somewhere else before life and beyond death, snatches of color on the wind and tiny creatures giggling as they tangled her hair and shoelaces.

And they were everywhere! In the home, zooming through walls like they didn't exist. Outside, painting the leaves ever brighter shades of green, beginning to dabble on the soft blue buds of Gurdyroot flowers. On the wall, the formerly empty painting that now showed a skeletal horse.

Luna was glad she was seeing all this, because when she was busy thinking - and she was always busy thinking, now - she didn't have to remember that mummy was gone.

That the house was falling into disarray.

That the experimental section had been bordered up and would never be open again.

That mummy was dead, and she had seen mummy die.

And the nightmares. The nightmares, that crept up behind her and took her by surprise late at night. Over and over she saw mummy die in her dreams, the glowing potion taking on sinister colors, as it erupted and hit her, the silver-blonde hair Luna had inherited splaying out backwards as she fell, and she heard the scream, long and drawn-out and high-pitched, and when she woke up, her ears still rang.

* * *

Luna was somewhere before life and beyond death, behind the veil at the end of the rainbow, where the mist touches the sun.

Well, not all of her. Some of her stayed in the Real World - though it felt more and more like the fake one every day - but most of her didn't feel there; _wasn't_ there. Luna liked it better that way.

The place before life and beyond death was a wonderous place, full of phenomena and magical creatures Luna could never have imagined herself - and some that she could have. It was just like mummy had told her, all those years ago, and Luna believed; believed with all her heart.

It existed. And it was beautiful.

While in the Real World, Luna's hands were busy washing dishes and tending the garden, which didn't stop growing just because mummy had died, Luna's mind and soul was in the place before life and beyond death.

In the place before life and beyond death, the sky was green instead of blue and things fell up instead of down and time slowed down when people moved faster. Trees, tall trees, growing upside down and crookedly, shrunk when Luna wasn't looking, and she saw strange creatures with wings resting in them. In another place she found chessmen moving of their own accord, doing battle over the board without a person to command them, and in yet another she swore she saw a grin vanish in the air. She rarely saw Nargles, but she heard their giggles more often.

As Luna swung past - because they never walked but used their hands to grab things that stuck out in the overhead paths - ivy swung to form familiar runes and a bubbling vat of some strange potion-like substance was tucked in the bend of a yellow-bricked road. Grass grew richer and healthier around it and a tiny woman with blue skin and pink hair sat in it, chopping up the grass around her to make some strange concoction. Luna wanted to ask her about it, but when she stepped closer, the woman disappeared, though whatever she had been making was left as a green-tinged liquid in a clear, thin vial that looked like the sky itself had been bottled for consumption.

The only thing missing was mummy.

Luna searched and searched for mummy, but she couldn't find her. She supposed, in a disappointed corner of her mind, that it was because part of her was still in the Real World, so she wasn't allowed to see mummy. A wistfulness overtook her, which intensified as she wandered deeper and deeper into the place before life and death, and she felt the part of her anchoring her to the Real World slowly loosen as her body in the Real World fell asleep and didn't wake up.

* * *

In the Real World, a knock sounded against the door.

Deep inside the place before life and beyond death, Luna registered it but ignored it. She was swinging after a strange creature with spikes on its back that she had never seen before, the grass making a laughing sound as she moved past.

The knock sounded again, more insistently. There was a pause, and then the door made a creaking sound as it was pushed open.

"My goodness!" a voice gasped. "Arthur, I told you we should have come sooner."

The voice niggled at Luna. She knew it. She was certain she knew it. It had something to do with red…The spiky creature ahead of her noticed her hesitation and, giving her a mischievous look, scurried ahead. Luna laughed and sped up, the voice forgotten.

"I thought we should give them some space," another, deeper voice said, sounding concerned and apologetic.

It was distracting her, the voices that demanded her attention and yet not her attention, coming from somewhere not before life and beyond death. Luna pushed it away and kept swinging. The spiky creature disappeared, but Luna kept swinging, and now she didn't know why, just that she had to, but the color was leaking out of the leaves in the trees and the sky was fading and the grass was gone and there was a strange smell and now everything was turning black and she felt dizzy -

"Luna! Xenophilius! LUNA!"

* * *

When Luna opened her eyes, the first thing she noticed was that the sky was white. The second thing was that it wasn't a sky but something called a ceiling.

Luna sat up and rubbed her eyes. She was on the ground of her carpeted room, she realized now, and she had to repeat that to herself for it to sink in. She was on the _ground_. On her body was some dust, which she brushed off with sore arms. Looking down, she saw her feet and legs, and it took her a moment to remember what she did with them.

She was back in the Real World.

To make sure, Luna pulled herself across the ground - she didn't want to try walking yet - and over to the window, throwing open the curtains. The sky was blue.

"Luna!" someone shouted - Mrs. Weasley, Ginny's mum. There was a happy noise and then warm arms wrapped around her and Luna reflected that she quite liked this use of arms. "Oh, Luna, thank Merlin, you're still alive."

Luna turned around to look at Mrs. Weasley. "Is Daddy okay?"

"Yes, Xenophilius is fine, though he certainly hasn't been taking care of you," Mrs. Weasley said with a disapproving huff. Her eyes softened with worry as she took in Luna's appearance. "But look at you! Have you been eating? Is that dust on you? What happened to you?"

"I - think I passed out," Luna answered. She didn't think it was the time to tell Mrs. Weasley that she had been in the place before life and beyond death, and the reminder of Daddy made her remember her wish to stay in that place with guilt. Daddy couldn't take care of himself, and she had just left him.

Mrs. Weasley started to say something but then there were footsteps and Mr. Weasley and Daddy came in.

"Luna," Daddy said, his voice cracking. His eyes were red with tears and his hair even messier than usual but he was Luna's wonderful daddy.

"Daddy!" Luna exclaimed. She pulled herself up and tried to run, but her legs gave way. Ignoring Mrs. Weasley's hand, she stood again and wrapped her arms around daddy like Mrs. Weasley had, and looked up into her eyes. "Daddy, it's okay, mummy's in the place before life and beyond death, and I was there too. She'll have the nargles and the spiky animals to keep her company until we come."

"That's not -" Daddy started, and Luna barely realized when Mrs. Weasley pulled Mr. Weasley out of the room so they could have time together. "You were in the place before life and beyond death?"

Luna nodded earnestly. "That's where mummy said the nargles and wrackspurts and thestrals come from."

"Luna, I'm so sorry, I've been an awful daddy," Daddy said, looking immensely guilty, and Luna didn't quite understand why he was so guilty but didn't bother to ask. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." His eyes drifted to the paper Luna hadn't noticed on her desk labeled Questions. "Starting with answering those."

* * *

Several days later, Luna found herself in front of a tombstone. It said simply:

_Aislinne Lovegood  
August 4__th__, 1958 - March 22, 1990  
Believe_

Kneeling, Luna took a moonflower plant and put it in the hole she had already dug. She patted the dirt around it and then sat up.

Aloud, she said, "I miss you, mummy. Both daddy and I do. But I promise I won't let it consume me and that I'll live up to it and make you proud."

Life had slowly been looking nicer, more beautiful, more blue as the days went past. Occasionally, Luna remembered the place before life and beyond death with wistfulness, but that lessened every day. The sharp clarity was lessening, too, the place fading, and Luna let it go, because she didn't belong there yet.

But she would never forget it. As if to make sure she didn't, the flashes of color and hints of giggles stayed with her. She would never be quite the same again. Even now, as she sat, her brain was in now-familiar chaos as it contemplated the blueness of the sky and why thestrals could only be seen by the dead and wondered why the penelines were laughing. Daddy and her had tried to explore the questions Luna had left, but they couldn't answer all of it. That was alright. Luna liked it better that way, in some ways.

People thought she was crazy, if they hadn't thought so before. She knew Mrs. Weasley, kind as she was, couldn't quite understand her. That was alright as well. Luna didn't understand why they could believe in thestrals and not nargles or why hedgehogs - the spiky animal she had seen - could exist but not crumple-horned snorkacks, but people were strange, even stranger than the place before life and beyond death.

But she wanted mummy to _know_, to know that there was more of her left than just a body and a white tombstone. She thought about it for a moment and then, voice cracking, said two words.

"I believe."


End file.
